Who is Fern?

Blogger

I’ve been writing things down for as long as I can remember. One day I will finish writing my book, but for now I’m concentrating on my blog. I post when inspiration strikes, sharing the highs and lows of my life as a mum. With four kids running around I’m not going to run out of content any time soon.

Vlogger

I recently discovered that it’s quite a lot of fun to film myself and then post the footage on the internet for the whole world to see. Who would’ve thought? I upload three videos a week, which could be about anything really. Mostly it’s just me talking about food, or showing off the things I bought at Kmart. It’s not as weird as it sounds.

Mum

I’m a full-time mother of four: Two daughters aged eight and six, and two sons aged three and one. If you’re wanting me to give myself a Mum Label, you’re out of luck. I have far too many children to stick to one way of doing things. I could be a Crunchy Mum one minute, and a Shouty Mum the next. It’s good to keep the kids guessing though, right?

Recent Blog Posts

Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 37

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My New Name I didn’t sort any sh*t out in my house today, because I had an appointment in town this morning and then I received some crushing news this afternoon. So I went to bed. And I am still in bed. And I will not be getting out of bed until tomorrow, because sometimes

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 36

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The Boys’ Shelves Look, I’m just going to level with you here. It’s 10:45pm and I’m in bed and I want to not be writing a blog post right now. In fact, I have tried several times to start this blog post and it keeps turning to sh*t, which is just what happens when your

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 35

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The Other Daughter’s Wardrobe It’s day two of the school holidays and for One Night Only I have 50% less children. You are probably thinking that I am deliriously happy right now, but actually I’m finding all the quiet and stillness a little unsettling. The house feels a little too empty. And clearing out this

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 34

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The Other Daughter’s Desk After tidying up her drawers yesterday, the kid was all psyched to keep going with the sh*t sorting. In fact, one of the first things she said to me this morning was, Can we clean up my desk today? As if I’m going to say no to that! Because I’m a big

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 33

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The Other Daughter’s Drawers Sometimes when I post updates on my Facebook page I remember to ask questions. Apparently asking questions is the way to get people to actually engage with you, and if you are an attention seeking social media aficionado then asking questions is a must. Mostly though, I forget. I just say

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 32

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My Wardrobe I’m getting bored. You guys probably don’t want to hear that, but it’s the truth. The excitement of sorting sh*t out has well and truly worn off. The thrill of keeping everything spotless has faded away. Tonight I ordered crappy pizzas for dinner, and then we didn’t clean up properly. One of the

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 31

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The Kids’ Bathroom I am grumpy. Who knows why. Maybe it’s because I’m facing two weeks of four-kids-at-home-with-me-all-day-every-day. Maybe it’s because I’m a “Friyay” grinch (yeah, I can’t stand it when people say Friyay). Maybe it’s because I found today’s sh*t sorting process stressful, and when I get stressed I get angry. And when I

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 30

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The Daughter’s Drawers I didn’t mention it yesterday, but last night I was having bad thoughts about the 100 Days Project. Sure, I’d managed to find some sh*t to sort out without too much hassle, but I just did not want to write a blog post. “I don’t want to write a blog post,” I

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 29

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The Daughter’s Wardrobe I ventured back into the grubby girl’s bedroom today with plans to tackle the wardrobe. But when I opened the door I quickly decided that I’d just do the bottom half. I mean, just look at this mess. And you’re only seeing fifty percent of the problem! Okay, so truth be told it

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 28

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The Daughter’s Shelves The daughter in question is six. She is quite fond of all things pink and purple and sparkly, which makes her sound like one of those princessy girly girls. But actually she is a grub. In fact, she’s probably the biggest grub I know. Everywhere she goes she leaves a trail of

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 27

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My Top Drawer I feel like I have a hundred things to tell you, but every time I try to start writing this blog post it comes out all wrong and I have to delete it. I really don’t want to have to delete it again. I would like to go to bed soon. So

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 26

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Yet Another Kitchen Cupboard I have this friend who is cooler than me in every way. I’m not even exaggerating. She is that cool. And while it is cool to have a cool friend, it can also be uncool to have a cool friend, because cool friends often remind you that you are uncool, just by

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 25

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The Kitchen Appliance Cupboard I can’t even pretend to be excited about my sh*t sorting today because we went ice skating this afternoon and it was so much fun that now everything else seems lame. I’m not even kidding. I spent hours and hours and hours of my life roller skating when I was a

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 24

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Beneath the Kitchen Sink Have you ever seen that NZ short film called Kitchen Sink? If yes, you will know how creepy it is. If not, you should watch it so that you too can know how creepy it is. Thankfully, my kitchen sink is nowhere near as creepy as Kitchen Sink. Up until a

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If You’re a Jerk and You Know It…

I’ve been putting off writing this blog post for a while now. Why? Because someone told me that I was a bit of a jerk, and that made me feel like a complete and utter jerk. Even though I was the one that first said perhaps I sounded like a jerk… Okay, wait. I think

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 23

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The Kitchen Bench A few months ago I stumbled across some American woman’s YouTube channel, which was all about her life as a “homemaker”. I got the impression that she took “homemaking” very seriously, because her kitchen bench (or counter, as she called it) was not only spotless, but also completely naked. Apparently there is no

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 22

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The Kitchen Drawers In case you were wondering how dedicated I am to the English language, this evening I checked with my husband that I have, in fact, been spelling drawers correctly. Unfortunately for me his response was, Yes, no, maybe, which is pretty typical of him really. So then I had to google it, which

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 21

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The Side Table Cupboard I’m calling it a side table, but I don’t actually know the real name for this piece of furniture. It used to belong to my parents, but then they got too good for it so they gave it to us. At first we kept it in the dining room, but at some

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 20

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The Crockery Cupboard It’s late. I’m tired. And I haven’t written this blog post. Okay, so I’m writing it, but that doesn’t mean I want to be here right now. I hope you will appreciate my dedication despite a complete lack of inspiration. Why am I uninspired? Probably because the sh*t I sorted today was

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 19

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The Boys’ Wardrobe I did it. I actually f**king did it. Yesterday I put it off. Today I still wanted to put it off. But I did it. Even though my husband said I didn’t have to do it, I did it. I actually properly sorted out the sh*t in the boys’ wardrobe. Honestly, this

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 18

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The Plastics Cupboard All week I kept telling myself I’d tackle one of the Big Jobs on the weekend. And I meant it, I really did. But you know what? When I opened up the boys’ wardrobe this afternoon to sort through all the puzzles, board games, baby clothes that are too big, baby clothes

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 17

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The Kids’ Drawing Drawers Kids’ artwork. It’s parenting’s best kept secret. No one ever warns you just how freaking annoying all those pens and pencils and crayons are going to be. No one tells you that your children are going to end up with 100 different colouring, activity and puzzle books. No one explains that

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 16

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The Baby Boy’s Drawers At the risk of becoming the world’s most boring blogger, today’s post is basically a repeat of yesterday’s post. I’m sorry, it’s just the way things turned out. I couldn’t sort one side of the chest of drawers, and then not sort the other side of the chest of the drawers.

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 15

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The Big Boy’s Drawers It finally happened. The excitement has worn off. Today I put off sorting my sh*t out until the very last minute. Well, okay, not quite the very last minute, but it was the end of the day. All four children were home. I needed to cook dinner. And this bloody project

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The Fern P Method (Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 14)

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Before I get into today’s project, there is a little something I need to get off my chest: The 100 Days Project is a creative venture that I, along with a couple of thousand other people, signed up to voluntarily. Some people are painting. Some people are collecting. But my creative venture is Sorting Sh*t

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 13

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The Top of the Drawers (Boys’ Room) Three weeks ago we had a weekend away. For most families that seems to be a semi-regular occurrence. For my family it was a Big Deal. We loaded up four children and enough luggage to get us through an entire month without doing any laundry, and we headed out

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 12

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The Laundry Cupboard Because I am an amazing mother, I store dangerous chemicals and cleaning products up high where the children can’t reach them. I mean, okay, not all the dangerous chemicals and cleaning products, but most of them. Some of them. A select few. Alright, basically it’s the cleaning products that I barely ever

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Sorting Shit Out – Day 11

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Shoe Storage Unlike most women, I really do not care about shoes. In fact, I kind of hate shoes. In fact, I once went through this phase of just not wearing shoes. Ever. It went on for almost a year, the whole barefoot thing, and spanned an entire winter. Even having to walk across frosty fields

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day 10

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The Washing Machine Just in case you thought my life was even remotely glamorous, this morning I woke up with a swollen, painful boob. Mastitis. Great. There’s nothing quite like knowing you have sh*t to sort when you feel like sh*t. Understandably, today’s sh*t sorting was more of a token effort. The top of the

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day Nine

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The Rubbish Bin Corner As much as I would like to go around claiming I am a nature-loving, earth-worshiping hippy, the truth is my family and I produce a lot of waste. Do we recycle? Yes. Do we use cloth nappies? Yes. Does that mean we’re doing everything in our power to help reduce waste? No. Not

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day Eight

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The Fireplace Back when I had just one kid, I was a person who didn’t believe in fireguards. Why can’t everyone just teach their children not to touch the fire? I used to say. It’s so easy. Even if they don’t listen to you, they’ll only touch it once. Then they’ll learn and it’ll never

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day Seven

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The Husband’s Desk The husband and I are a bit old fashioned in that we prefer PCs to iPhones, iPads, and iDon’tKnowWhatElseTheKidsAreUsingTheseDays. This is not an issue, we are happy with our PCs, but it does mean we both need desks. And when you have a desk, I’ve found, it tends to become the place to

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day Six

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The Living Room I have to start today’s post with a confession. Yesterday, after sorting out the crap-filled basket, I started trying to sort some extra sh*t out. I know, that’s kind of cheating, I’m only meant to sort out one thing a day, but I said trying. As in, I tried to sort out

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day Five

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The Crap-Filled Basket In my office I have a basket. The basket came from my sister-in-law. She gave it to my daughters for Christmas a couple of years ago, which sounds a bit lame but it wasn’t, because it was full of retro Barbies and retro Barbie accessories. I found it very exciting. I assume my

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day Four

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The Cork Board of Important Family Things Like all good mothers, I do a great job of keeping track of all the important things going on for my family, like school trips, extracurricular activities, and invoices for school trips and extracurricular activities. Of course, when I say I do a great job, I actually mean I do

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Too Much Information

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I’ll never forget the time my dad said “T.M.I” and my sister and I just about lost our minds laughing. It was awesome. But anyway, that story doesn’t really have anything to do with today’s post. Today’s post is all about me, and my decision to go ahead and share way too much information about

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day Three

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Finishing Up the Ensuite I think the cleaning and sorting bug has well and truly taken over, because today I tackled two projects: The ensuite bathroom drawers and the ensuite bathroom shower. I will probably have to make an effort to not organise more than one thing a day though, because it’s only day three,

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Sorting Sh*t Out – Day Two

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The Ensuite Bathroom Cupboards Please believe me when I say that the cupboards were especially messy because yesterday I shoved a whole bunch of extra sh*t in them. That’s how I clean, generally. I move the mess from one spot to another. Clearly it hasn’t been working out very well for me. Yes, it’s true.

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Sorting Sh*t Out – My 100 Days Project

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Day One: The Ensuite Vanity I’m going to have to begin this project by admitting that I live like a pig. I suppose there’s no excuse for letting my house get this filthy, but please bear in mind that I have four children, a blog, and a YouTube channel, and I get very little sleep.

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I Don’t Have Kids (Guest Post)

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This guest post was written by someone very dear to me. It was my idea, I wanted her to put these words down for me, and I am so honoured that she actually agreed to share her thoughts and experiences with us all. I know it’s easy to get wrapped up in your own little

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Let’s (Not) Talk About Sex

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It was a while ago now that the email came through: The beauty editor of a nationwide parenting magazine had found my blog and wanted to know if I was interested in being featured in a piece she was putting together. Would I mind answering a few questions about beauty products and routines? Of course

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I’ve Created a Monster

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I only have myself to blame. Yes, I was pregnant with my fourth child. Yes, Mr. Three’s behaviour at the time was atrocious. But did I really need to pick TV as the crutch to get me through? Did I actually think it was a good idea to teach the kid to turn the damn

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Why I’m Glad my Baby is Growing Up

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Last week I took the smallest one to get his hair cut for the first time. At 14-months-old he is very much a baby – still crawling, still breastfeeding, still waking in the night – and his hair is the one thing that makes him look even remotely toddlerish. Sandy in colour, it’s mostly straight, with

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Oh, how I loved the 90s

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I was born in 1983, so technically I’m an 80s kid. Technically. In reality, however, I have a much stronger love for (and memory of) the 90s. Boy bands. Girl bands. Furbys and Tamagotchis. I can’t help but think back to that decade with a great fondness… It was with genuine pleasure that I took part in #vlogstars

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I Can’t Stop Yelling

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You know that feeling when something you’ve been looking forward to ends up being a massive disappointment? Yeah, that one. Welcome to my week… I was so excited for my kids to go back to school. The holidays weren’t too much of a struggle, but still. The beginning of the new term was something I

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The Cheapest & Easiest Birthday Party Ever!

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Before I started this blog, I entertained the idea of dishing out advice in every post. I figured that I’ve learned quite a bit over the years, and that my experiences (raising both girls and boys, going through planned and unplanned pregnancies, giving birth at home and in hospital, and testing out a number of both

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Thomas: The Train I Hate to Love

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Parenting is full of surprises. Sometimes the surprises are pleasant (like my six-year-old’s school report stating that she takes responsibility for her own belongings), sometimes the surprises are unpleasant (like discovering that same six-year-old has been shoving all her used tissues and food wrappers under her bed) and sometimes the surprises just kind of creep

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Depression is Forever

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The problem with depression is that it stays with you forever. Once upon a time, a good 12 years ago now, I was so depressed that I did nothing but lie face down on the carpet for an entire day. That was it. I didn’t cry, didn’t eat, didn’t speak. I just lay there. Numb.

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What Makes Me Me

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I join in with #Vlogstars every month. Hosts Aby and Amy set a theme, or a list of questions, and vloggers from all over the world film and upload videos in response. This month we were asked to share 10 things that define us as people. Wow. Tough. What are the things that make me

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Searching for Balance

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This morning, while trying to decide what to blog about, I started feeling guilty for sharing the not-so-nice side of my life as a full-time mother. I’ve had friends withdraw from me for being “too negative” in the past (yeah, depression will do that to you), so I’m well aware that many people would rather

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Get Me Out of Here!

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Last week my baby turned one. As I mentioned in a recent blog post, we didn’t make a big deal of it. There was cake, a gift or two, and that was about it (aside from spending a lot of time gazing at him and kissing his little peanut head and feeling like I couldn’t

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Finding My Tribe

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I’ve been boycotting mothers’ groups for a few years now. Unlike their sisters, I have never bothered taking my sons along to play group, coffee group, music group, or any of the other weekday morning activities targeted at preschoolers. Partly it’s laziness, but mostly it’s because I’m a bit over all the baby talk. Comparing notes on

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Speaking My Truth

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Last night I uploaded a video to my YouTube channel that made me nervous. Seated on the end of my bed, my wet hair still wrapped up in a towel, I openly admitted that I am struggling in my role as a full-time mother. I do not feel fulfilled. I do not feel content. I

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Busy Busy Busy

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I’m busy. I’m just so busy. It’s my go to excuse for pretty much everything. I haven’t made contact with a friend for months? Sorry, I’ve been really busy lately. My house is an absolute tip when someone drops in unexpectedly? Excuse the mess, the kids are keeping me super busy. I make no progress

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I’m a Big Old Party Pooper

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I have this friend who likes to remind me that when we first met I was talking about my plans for my daughter’s first birthday party. Not really something worth remembering right? Well, here’s a little context for you: At the time my baby was eight months old. She’d only just learned to crawl. And there I was, four

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My Daughter is Annoying and It’s All MY Fault

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I was chatting with my mum the other day about the ways in which children are annoying. I’m one of five kids, so Mum’s a good person to whinge to about the realities of raising too many a lot of children. She gets it. We were laughing a bit, keeping it light-hearted and fun, when Mum

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Authentically Me

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I am a person who feels. I feel things without understanding what it is I’m feeling. I feel things without knowing what I’m even thinking about. On a damn-near daily basis I’m forced to stop what I’m doing so I can search through the many layers of thoughts and feelings coursing through my body, just

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GIVEAWAY: Win a Pamper Pack!

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I’ve always been the sort of person who enters competitions. Back when I was a first-time mum I subscribed to parenting magazines just so I could enter all the prize draws. I hardly ever bothered reading the articles; I just flipped straight to the giveaway section. I must be a lucky old ducky, as I actually

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Fine, We’ll Just Stay Home Forever!

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When I chat to my friends about their weekends, they tell me stories full of excitement and adventure. It seems that trips to the hot pools, walks through the bush, and two-day getaways to cabins with no electricity are the norm for other kiwi families. Yet any time I’m asked how our weekend was spent, I’m

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Musical Memories

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For the fourth month in a row I am taking part in the #vlogstars linky, hosted by Aby from You Baby Me Mummy, and Amy from Mr and Mrs T Plus Three. #Vlogstars is open to anyone who feels like joining in, and as there is a set theme or group of questions to answer

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The Makings of a GOOD Mother

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I feel like hundreds of people will have blogged about this already, but when I woke up to the baby in the night this post came to mind, so I feel compelled to write it. Besides, if an idea or theme is unoriginal, that really just means that a lot of people will be able to

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The Week From Hell

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I’m not going to lie, I had a terrible week. The worst. My husband was sent away on a five-day training course for work, which left me home alone with the kids. All four of them. I spent a lot of time crying, and very little time sleeping. I always thought I’d make a good

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I Survived the School Holidays

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Up and down New Zealand, parents are breathing sighs of relief. Our kids are back at school. We made it! And we now have nine weeks of normalcy ahead of us! Somehow, despite very little effort on my part, these school holidays were the best term break we’ve had in an extremely long time. I’m not

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Back on the Book

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I feel a bit like a dog with its tail between its legs right now. I’ve done something I vowed never to do. I’ve gone and signed back up to Facebook. I don’t have anything against Facebook. I understand why people like it. Hell, I used to love it! But when I realised how much

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Bye Bye, Baby

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I went away over the weekend. To mark my best friend’s 30th birthday, I packed myself up and headed out of town. Alone. It was the first time I’d ever left the baby for more than just a few hours, and I was nervous. I’d expressed four full bottles of milk for him, but still found

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Congratulations! Oh, wait…

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It was our wedding anniversary on Monday. The husband had planned all sorts of special things to celebrate our seven years of marriage. We spent the morning wandering along the Haiku Trail – a walkway accentuated by rocks engraved with short poems. We held hands as we strolled through the park. With our three biggest in the

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20 Questions!

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It’s #vlogstars time again! This is a monthly vlogging linky hosted by Aby and Amy. I first joined in back in February, and am pretty certain I’ll be participating every month from here on in. It’s so much fun, and so easy. I love making videos without having to decide what they should be about… This

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Vlogger? Yes. Narcissist? Maybe.

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Something kind of strange happened to me this week. A journalist, a real, legit freelancer who writes articles for all sorts of real, legit websites, asked me if I’d mind talking to her about vlogging. She told me she was writing a piece on the dangers of family vlogging, and she wanted to chat with

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Pinterest Mum? Not Me!

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It’s Saturday. The Saturday between Good Friday and Easter Sunday to be exact. Being a special occasion, I thought I’d better put my Pinterest Mum hat on and organise some sort of holiday-themed activity for the kids… I settled on egg painting. There were eight free-rangers sitting in the fridge just waiting to be used, and

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Three

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And just like that, my boy is three. Well, practically. There’s a numerically shaped, train-topped cake ready in the fridge, a pile of gifts waiting to be wrapped in the cupboard, and a feeling in my heart that I can’t quite explain… My third child, my first son. He was born on his due date,

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The Things I Couldn’t Live Without

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There are things that I want and there are things that I need. Though I understand the difference, I struggle to believe that everything in my life can be divided into these categories. Sure, I could live without the internet, but I’d be miserable… For #VlogStars this month (hosted by Aby and Amy), a bunch of

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Righting my Wrongs – Taking my Kids Offline

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Imagine putting your kids on stage to entertain an audience of 100 people. Their performance is cute, funny and completely innocent, and you’re happy with the thought that other families will be watching and enjoying the show… Now imagine that halfway through your children’s act, a concerned parent approaches and tells you that while 80 of

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Putting my Kids in Danger

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The most important part of my job as a mother is keeping my children safe. I hold their hands when we cross the road. I strap them firmly into their car seats any time we’re heading out in the van. I talk to them about good touch, bad touch and saying No, and I would

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Switching On by Switching Off

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We’re three weeks in to the new school year, and so far my eldest child hasn’t completed any of her homework. Oops. I’m in two minds about this whole homework malarkey. I do think it’s ridiculous that seven-year-olds are expected to come home from a long day at school and spend another half hour hunched over

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Controlled Snacking (A Goal for 2016)

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It’s only been a couple of weeks since I shared my goals for 2016, but it’s already time for an update… I hate to admit that I haven’t made any changes to my shocking eating habits. With an out-of-town wedding to attend halfway through the month, it was too easy to make excuses for continuing

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10 Ways to Find Yourself Again

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I’ve always felt a little bit sorry for mothers who freely admit that their kids are their whole entire world. In my eyes, these sorts of declarations can mean only one thing: A woman has become so deeply entrenched in her role as a mother that she no longer knows who she is. She defines herself

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Mum Cuts

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I just received a confirmation email: Tomorrow evening I’m cutting off my hair…   I’m nervous for a number of reasons. Like, what if I go in for my cut and they discover I actually have nits? (My children catch them at school at least three times a year, so maybe I secretly have them

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The Parents’ New Year

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I don’t know about other parents, but I never really feel like the new year has started until the kids go back to school. In my world, January feels like a sad extension of December. It’s a strangely empty month, during which I tend to mope around, nursing an emotional hangover. Meanwhile, everyone else on the planet seems to

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2015; A Year in Review

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Jen Morris, a mother, blogger and vlogger living in New Zealand (just like me!), posted this New Year’s quiz on her blog, A Thousand Words. Because I’m a copycat, I thought I’d have a go at filling it in myself. I figured it’d be a good way to give any new readers a bit of insight into

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